As Within, So Without:
Your Challenge in Relationships

by Marcia Sacks

In February 2004, my husband and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. I often joke that if I had known as much astrology then as I know now, I never would have married anyone. There’s no chart perfect enough and no compatibility smooth enough to please the astrologer’s eye. I’ve come to understand after more than 20 years of reading horoscopes that no one is attracted to perfection.

We’re much more likely to be drawn to our most challenging life issues. The astrological maxim states, "As above, so below," but even more primary in relationships is its continuation, "as within, so without." This means that, whatever your hardest aspect or toughest planetary pattern, your significant other will bring it home to you.

One of the first principles of natal horoscope interpretation I learned is that "we always go toward our squares." The chart shows, through the planets involved in hard aspect, where we will focus our life’s energy.

Over the years, I have found this to be true as I have watched the horoscopes of friends and clients – the writer with Mercury square Saturn, the spiritual seeker with Neptune on an angle, the computer engineer with the strong Uranus squares, and the kindergarten teacher with Saturn in the 5th house of children with hard aspects to a line-up of personal planets.

It’s much the same in relationships. Find the worst aspect in your own chart. Fall in love with someone. Then check that person’s chart. You’ll see that your beloved’s worst aspect is the perfect match for your own. Or try this: List the TV and movie actors you find yourself compelled to watch, the ones who you "just know" are your soul mates. Find their birth data – even just the day and year. Do they mirror your pattern? Or does the character they play symbolically fit the pattern?

For example, if you believe that you could help Star Trek’s Mr. Spock to find his feminine side or that the love of a good woman could be the key to android Commander Data’s emotion chip, you’re probably an Aquarius stellium ("I’m here to help") with a tough Saturn ("He’s not cold, he’s just misunderstood").

But why? Why aren’t we attracted to the most perfectly loving, devoted, and harmonious mate? Anyone who has studied horoscopes of family and friends should know that there’s plenty of variety but no perfection. "Almost everything that happens in this life is a result of energies activating from the past," explains my guru, Goswami Kriyananda.

One of the key points I’ve learned in my 25 years of study with Kriyananda is that, according to the law of karma, who we are today is a creation of our own will in actions, words, and strong intentions from the past. Therefore, each individual is still subject to the forces put into play in previous lifetimes.

In our present life, these manifest as strong inclinations and natural preferences. In karmic astrology, these proclivities are symbolized by the planets in house, sign, and aspect. The karmic forces magnetize us to people who match up with our planetary patterns, so that the past is played out again and again.

The law of karma suggests that, as incarnating souls, we choose our parents,2 and they are the first in our lives to play out these patterns. Their modeled behaviors and our responses can either help us to grow or embed us deeper into our emotional comfort zone. The good news is: Once the patterns are understood, we can begin to make a positive and creative impact on our future, using these same natal planetary forces.

When Partners Share Corresponding Aspects

Synastry has many components, such as basic attraction (the physical characteristics we look for in others) and essential compatibility, like communication styles and similar values and interests. I believe that one of the main factors that hook us into long-term relationships is similar hard aspects. We are magnetized to others who play out our aspects on life’s stage. The drama is performed again and again with people of comparable personality and behavior type, until we find balance and insight.

Elements and Qualities: Power Partnerships Find the Balance
Strong aspect alignment is not the only factor in the relationship challenge. More subtle patterns magnetize people to each other. Dominance and lack in element and quality (modalities) are the first things I look at in synastry. We are attracted to people who share our element and quality dominance, but we are unconsciously drawn to others who have strengths that match what we lack.

These people bring what we need into our lives. Unfortunately, these are also the people we are least likely to understand. To observe this in a basic way in your own horoscope, simply count the planets in each element and quality
Some horoscopes are more balanced in element and quality; other charts are more extreme.

From Without to Within

The value of examining the most challenging aspects and imbalances in our horoscopes is not merely to improve our astrological skills of analysis or interpretation. The primary purpose for learning about "as within, so without" is to move from observation of external relationships and horoscope patterns to healing and rebalancing on the internal level.

The following suggestions will help you to take stock of your outer and inner life and know where to begin to make changes so that you can create more harmonious partnerships in the future.
Reflect

Examine the possibility that your most challenging aspect or planetary pattern has been played out with parents, siblings, friends, and romantic interests. One important part of learning something new is reflection, a way of gently but persistently thinking about a topic during a specific amount of quiet time.

Ask yourself questions like:

• Who outside myself most exemplifies this aspect?

• What is the nature of my relationship with this person now? What was it like in the past? Am I growing and evolving in this relationship?

• Why are we together?

• Can I see how my choices and behaviors affect (or have affected) these relationships?

• What do I really want from a relationship? What does my horoscope say about that?

Fix Yourself First

Just as there is variety but no perfection in horoscopes, there can be love and companionship but no happily-ever-after in relationships. However, even folks with very difficult horoscopes can have healthy, successful relationships if they can accept that relationships require work. I think of it like gardening: You need seeds, soil, nourishment, water, and maintenance to grow something of beauty.

The key to optimal relationships is to fix yourself first. Here are some thoughts that might be helpful for accomplishing this:

Sun

If the Sun is involved in your challenging conjunction, square, or opposition pattern, look at your connection with your father and his behavior patterns, as demonstrated in his interactions with you and with the world at large. Heal and understand the relationship with your father (psychologically, if real-world resolution is not possible).

Moon

If the Moon is part of your pattern, pay attention to your relationship to your mother. Explore your prenatal history, if possible; your birth myth (what your parents tell you about the day you were born); and your own early childhood. Make sure your relationship with your mother is healed (internally, at least).

Mecury

If Mercury is involved, understand that what you say, both internally and externally, is powerful and creative. If you always think or say, "Women are no good" or "Men always leave me," you are asking for what you don’t want. Say what you do want, for example: "I deserve positive, healthy, loving relationships in my life." Mercury is often the triggering agent of aspects. What you say to others, especially those closest to you, sets off the planetary pattern. Think before you speak.

Venus

If Venus is a component, get in touch with your feminine side. Pay attention to your attitudes toward women, and raise your consciousness about women’s role in relationships. Bringing beauty into your environment (via flowers, art, music) can be balancing to Venus. Observe what satisfies you about your own relationships; find examples of relationships you admire, and contemplate how those are accomplished. The ability to love unselfishly is the highest spiritual goal attainable.

Mars

If Mars is a factor, study the yoga principle of nonviolence. Apply this principle to your life. Nonviolence is not just the obvious – physically refraining from hitting someone – but also includes avoiding verbal harshness, sarcasm, and cruelty in speech. Ultimately, forgive and let go of past resentments, so that even your mind can be released from violent thoughts. Consider the perspective of the theories of reincarnation suggesting that people who might have been battlefield enemies in a past life may be a married couple today.

Jupiter

If you are considering Jupiter as part of your challenge, first make sure that your personal finances are in order. Happy Jupiter inharmoniously aspected can indicate impulse spending, misplaced generosity, and expanding debt. Chronic money quarrels can ruin relationships. Second, question whether your desire for freedom confounds your desire for commitment.

Saturn

In hard aspect to personal planets, Saturn can bring low self-esteem, negative thinking, inability to nurture oneself, or the fear of expressing love. These aspects can symbolize depression on both an emotional and physiological level. Remember that relationships are not a cure for depression.

Other people cannot obliterate your feelings of loss, lack, and limitation. If you feed yourself positivity through affirmation and imagery, if you pat yourself on the back and nurture yourself, you will begin to attract more positive, supportive people in your life. Saturn solutions require work, and sometimes that work involves physical or mental health practitioners. You are worth the effort.

Uranus

With Uranus, find ways to honor your creativity and originality without being self-destructive. Let go of the craving for chaos.

Julia Cameron has a section on "crazymakers" in her book, The Artist’s Way, that is recommended reading for people with strong but inharmonious Uranus aspects. According to Cameron, crazymakers break deals, destroy schedules, expect special treatment, blame everyone except themselves, and just generally create drama. "If you are involved in a tortured tango with a crazymaker, stop dancing to his/her tune," says Cameron. "Pick up a book on codependency or get yourself to a twelve-step program for relationship addiction."5

Neptune

People with hard Neptune aspects project a strange glamour of perfection on the other; however, when their object of affection turns into a real, live human being, they feel overwhelming disappointment. Figure out fast that Earth is not the realm of perfection, and learn to accept people with all their flaws. Acknowledge that first impressions, no matter how intuitive, will not give you the whole story. There’s always important hidden information that you will only find out over time.

If you are in a relationship with someone who has a problem with alcohol, drugs, gambling, compulsive overeating, or is the adult child of alcoholic or seriously dysfunctional parents – or if you yourself struggle with any of these addictions – twelve-step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Al-Anon, and Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) can help you to begin the process of recovery.

Pluto

With Pluto in the configuration, strive for self-control, not to control others. This is possible only when you realize that you are not in charge and that others are not there to bend to your will. However, if you don’t claim your Pluto power, others will come into your life and beat you up with it. The obsessive nature of Pluto in hard aspect makes you feel as powerless as a charmed snake when Mr. or Ms. "looks-so-good-but-treats-me-so-bad" comes to town. Learn to say no.

Take Action

Whatever your aspects may be, get counseling or attend relationship workshops, if necessary. Consult a professional astrologer to gain insights into yourself and your compatibility patterns. The best thing about knowing astrology is the perspective you gain when your significant other hits that ouchy point.

That’s your point of awakened self-awareness. "Oh!" you say to yourself, "her Mars-Pluto is activating my Mars-Pluto again. She wants to fight." Or, "He’s speaking from his Mercury-Saturn’s point of view, and it’s making my inner child’s Moon-Saturn feel bad, like when Mom used to yell at me."

At a moment like this, use whatever techniques are effective for you to facilitate change: taking deep breaths, shifting your viewpoint, rewriting the script, changing your response, setting boundaries, not responding with verbal violence, asking for what you want, silently chanting your mantra, or repeating your affirmations.

Face your challenges, reclaim your hard aspects, honor and respect all elements and qualities, and remember that you can create positive, healthy, loving relationships in your life.

In You Can Heal Your Life, Louise Hay offers a superb vision in the following affirmation:

"Deep at the center of my being, there is an infinite well of love

I now allow this love to flow to the surface.

It fills my heart, my body, my mind, my consciousness,
my very being, and radiates out from me in all directions
and returns to me multiplied.

The more love I use and give, the more I have to give.
The supply is endless ....

I only attract loving people in my world,
for they are a mirror of what I am."